Until I started taking my antidepressants, though, I didn’t actually know that I was depressed. I thought the dark staticky corners were part of who I was. It was the same way I felt before I put on my first pair of glasses at age 14 and suddenly realized that trees weren’t green blobs but intricate filigrees of thousands of individual leaves; I hadn’t known, before, that I couldn’t see the leaves, because I didn’t realize that seeing leaves was a possibility at all. And it wasn’t until I started using tools to counterbalance my depression that I even realized there was depression there to need counterbalancing. I had no idea that not everyone felt the gravitational pull of nothingness, the ongoing, slow-as-molasses feeling of melting down into a lump of clay. I had no way of knowing that what I thought were just my ingrained bad habits — not being able to deposit checks on time, not replying to totally pleasant emails for long enough that friendships were ruined, having silent meltdowns over getting dressed in the morning, even not going to the bathroom despite really, really, really having to pee — weren’t actually my habits at all. They were the habits of depression, which whoa, holy shit, it turns out I had a raging case of.
Get up and stop living someone else’s life.
Yours is rife with the torture
Of watching somebody else
Do the things you want to do,
Get up and pack your things.
Get up and go somewhere you’ve never been
Meet someone you’ve never known
Forget what you own
Forget the fear of doing it alone
And hear Adventure’s words
- Mum: There's biscuits in the pantry
- Bianca: I didn't know that!
- Mum: I know
- Bianca: how?
- Mum: because there's still biscuits in the pantry
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oh god oh god I clicked the first one and now I’m having a breakdown